perhaps because I am out here in Vancouver and the rest of my family is in Montreal I feel removed from them – so when I leave them I operate as though their lives will stay and be the same as when I go back – however, of course that is not reality and they continue to lead their lives, changing, progressing etc. – but leaving me behind in a sense – they have relationships separate from me that telephone calls and email just can’t convey

for example, it bothers me quite a bit that my father has a relationship with my sister’s friend Christy and her book club that enables her (Christy, not my sister) to know what one of my father’s favourite books is and I don’t

my father has found a woman with whom he has started a relationship – my mother having passed away only 5 months ago this is very hard for me to accept – I hung up on him Sunday night when he told me – I may understand it, I told him, but I don’t have to like it

maybe if I were there it would be easier for me to accept but because I am not I just want things to stay as they are

make any sense??

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Happy Scout giving Gene Simmons a run for his money ...

stop taking pictures and throw the damn ball, woman!

 

we should all express joy so freely

 

 

 

From a dear family friend on my mother’s passing:

“In my mind I have spent much time in the composition of this and find that when it comes to write to you that I am almost unwilling to do so in fear that what is penned may seem so trite in light of how your life has changed. I have put this off for too long, not because I am too busy – although that is a common excuse used by so many for so much – as the implication is that I am too busy for you, the opposite would more likely be the case, but rather unwilling because it requires me to face what is a harsh reality. I have found that in the months since we last spoke that you are both regularly on my mind particularly there are so many things associated with my home that remind me of your last visit. So much so that I have found it quite difficult to write anything that would be meaningful. While this cloud is still over me I feel that I can put it off no longer.

To say that you have my deepest sympathy belies the oddest sense of loss that I have felt, making an expression of sympathy seem incongruous – particularly as I can only appreciate the tiniest fraction of your loss. In my own home, there are so many memories that have been evoked from the arrangement of furniture or a particular vase that I sometimes wish that I had no memory at all. There is one particular jug that I recall being filled with flowers when I returned home one day from work during your last visit. The simplicity of the arrangement struck me and the image is etched into my memory. The most heartfelt emotions are the joy at someone doing this simple thing, the pleasure of the company and the sadness that I will not have the opportunity to recount that simple moment to she who created it. That is only one example of so many little things touched by someone who spent such a short time in my home and left such a mark. I do not even want to move the furniture any more.

If this is how I feel, I cannot imagine how this has impacted you. A whole lifetime of such moments, memories and warmth. For me, it is all the small touches and moments of fun that were filled with a loveliness that I suspect will rarely if ever be repeated, and created by a person motivated by a kindness and caring that are a form of love in themselves, one which, when encountered, makes one feel that one is a very special person – deservedly or otherwise. I am amazed at the happenstance meeting in Barcelona, the fun over lunch and the most unusual connections that arose from that; most particularly meeting with Yves Fortier in Dublin, but more the meeting with (Frances) Jane O’Malley in Kilkenny. I do not believe that I have the words to express the good fortune that was mine to sit at that particular table, in that particular day at that particular restaurant. Heavens, I should not even have been in Barcelona at all.

My feelings about the fact that I was not able to attend in Knowlton is something that I cannot truly express. One should bury one’s dead as part of the rites of life, it is in a way ones duty. While it was certainly not my place to be in Knowlton and I could not attend by virtue of the tyranny of distance, I did feel that there was a personal tribute due from this fair isle. This is perhaps best expressed to you personally rather than through a grand gesture of travel across the atlantic.

Words are such a curse in that there is nothing that I can write to reach out to you. I do hope that when you came to Ireland that it was something that you both enjoyed and that it will hold many happy memories for you. I know that my visits to Knowlton are just that. The warmth of the welcome is one that I will always cherish. While neither will ever be the same, I can only hope that you will be able, and feel welcome, to lean on those around you who are only to willing to support you as your life goes on. I often recall that when I drove up after my bar exam and lost the parking ticket in your building the evening you drove out to Knowlton. On that trip I remember you saying that you were at ease and comfortable with your own mortality. It was a profound and deep comment that I often refer to and reflect upon with respect to myself – and I have to say that I agree with you and have long been of a similar disposition. What I find more difficult to deal with is the mortality of those involved in my life, and particularly those who have, ever so briefly, touched it in the most meaningful way; awakening visions and realities that would perhaps have otherwise lain dormant for a whole lifetime. Susan was one of those rare and exceptional people. I regret to say that while I will likely never meet another such person, I am not sure that I would want to, for a second such loss might be too much.

This may seem disjointed, but since the moment I heard the news of Susan’s passing, the fragments of memory began to sink like the debris of a shipwreck to the abyss of my mind and it is only of late that the have begun to float to the surface – now perfectly formed and to be treasured for ever.

My dear friend, I look forward to seeing you soon and to sharing a few quiet moments with you in contemplation, and over time – and I trust that it will be a long time – many interesting days for we have much to speak of and I have much to learn. When you have had a chance to read this I would very much like to speak. It has been a cathartic exercise for me to write and I am thankful that it is an electronic communication for I fear that it would be tear stained paper that might have proved difficult to read.

Ar deis De go raibh a anim”

costume 1

trick-or-treating

in her wagon

done

 

Picture 010

demonstrating why she gets away with what she does

 

 

So am freshly back from taping the second half, the “reveal” portion of  my episode of Beauty Call – and FUN!  I was actually more nervous about this portion, oddly enough, than I was about the part where I had to be on camera in my underwear.  Because what if it doesn’t fit? Um, hi, BODY ISSUES!!!

At least I know naked fits …

Can you imagine if I got there and NOTHING they bought fit me?  And they were all like “She is so fat how can we be expected to dress THAT??!!”

Well that of course did not happen, though the first dress didn’t fit – same old story, didn’t zip up across the boobs.  Ladies, if you think you want big boobs?  Trust me, you do not.

And it fit, the second outfit did anyway which is kinda good because I really didn’t like the shoes that they got for the first outfit and the bag that came with this one?  TO. DIE.

Love the dress, the shoes are amazing, the bag is wonderful and a funky bangle just for fun. I am totally impressed that they were able to outfit me without even having met me and for it to have worked so well.  Really, really well.

I don’t know if I can say too much about it, though they didn’t tell me I had to keep it a secret or anything.  The same camera and production crew were there and the lovely make-up artiste as well, thank GOD.  really?  I want her to come home with me and “do” my face every day.  LOVE!

It was kind of an odd experience, though a positive one.  I will be very interested to see it all together when the episode airs.  I didn’t have a lot of interaction with the 2 hosts of the show, though I think when it airs it will look as though we did, I think.  Having all of those cameras on me was VERY unnerving and I hope it turns out ok, and that I smiled enough and kept my tummy tucked in enough and stood up straight enough and all that.

Definitively OUT of my comfort zone and that was a goal. Also?  the bag , the bag THE BAG!!!

I will let you all know when it airs (and maybe post a photo of the outfit)

Picture 001

The bag - wish you could feel it - soooooo soft!

 

 

Picture 002

the bag, open - love love! LOVE it

Picture 006

the bracelet - not something I would have picked but that's kind of the point - and I love it!

Picture 007

stones are close to the same colour as the dress - goes really well and adds an "edge" to the outfit

Picture 005

The dress! Love it so much - hard to tell from the picture, but it is a wonderful rich green colour - perfect for the holidays!

 

Picture 004

the details of this dress are so pretty - and flattering! kind of like "Spanx" in dress form, but really, really pretty

 

 

last night Moby played at the Fabulous Commodore Ballroom in Vancouver

at 10:30 last night my phone rang; I was DEAD asleep

“where are you???!!!”

“um, in bed, DUH!”

I thought the concert was TONIGHT

oops