ridiculousness


Apparently I left my wallet in the cab I took home last night (no, I wasn’t drunk, just tired and it was after 7 so the buses weren’t running directly to my house any more)

I didn’t notice because once I got home I didn’t actually need my wallet

Got multiple calls from 604.681.1111 between 2:45 and 3:15 this morning – no voicemail left

Called the number when I actually got up and it was Yellow Cab, but they had no idea why someone from there had called me

Realised my wallet was missing when I went to pay for the bus this morning

The penny dropped

Called Yellow Cab and yes, they had found my wallet – no explanation for the multiple 3 a.m. calls, though

Sent them a notarised letter authorising them to release my wallet to a courier I was sending over

Waiting for it now

What are the chances that the 5 $20 bills that I put in there just before getting into the cab last night are still there?? will let you know

*EDIT* MONEY ALL THERE!!  HELL MUST HAVE FROZEN OVER, MY FAITH IN MANKIND RESTORED (FOR THE MOMENT)

In other news, the house that I live in, and have lived in for 7 years, is on the market, which sucks for many reasons.  Not least of which is OPEN HOUSES!!! 2 this past weekend,  another the weekend before and one this coming weekend.  This sucks because I have to be out of the house for 3 hours each of those days WITH THE DOGS.  Which would be fine if I had a car and could just go somewhere, but I don’t so it’s not exactly convenient.  But I do it and it’s not the end of the world and I am fond of my landlords so will accommodate them.

HOWEVER

Last week the agent showed the house on a Wednesday, a day that my dogs are not walked so are at home.  The agent was told NOT to show my suite, which is at the back of the house.  But of course he showed it and of course he then left the doors to my bedroom and bathroom OPEN thus allowing Scout full access.  Goodbye to a purse and thank GOD she didn’t get to the EXTRA-STRENGTH GRAVOL that was in the purse because then?  SHE WOULD BE DEAD!

Which brings us to yesterday – my landlords told me that the house was being shown but not the suite.  I told them that the dogs would be out of the suite in the afternoon on a walk so if they wanted to show it that would be fine.  The did not tell that to the agent and assumed that it would NOT be shown,  Um, no.  It was shown and the doors left open AGAIN – bye bye to another pair of shoes!

Scout is an anxious chewer which is why I keep all doors closed when I am not home – temptation is out of the way.  If I happen to leave something out, that’s my fault.  This is not my fault.

Am I wrong to expect to have the purse and shoes replaced?

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

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I am not one for New Year’s resolutions – personally I think they are stupid and do not stick.  However, this year I made a promise to myself to try things that scare me and that get me out of my comfort-zone.

Going on national television in my undies counts I think, right?

Last week I told you how I got a call from Anna & Kristina’s Beauty Call and that I had been selected to appear on this new make-over show.  Well the first part, the SCARY part, was filmed on Tuesday – and while scary, it was not terrible.

I arrived on set not really sure what to expect other than the fact that at some point I would be in front of a camera in not a lot of clothes.  The “studio” is in an old office building bordering on Yaletown and has been staged to look like a girls’ dressing room on one side, complete with vanity full of make-up and accessories and a fashion designer’s studio on the other – drafting tables, bulletin boards with sketches, magazine cut-outs, etc.  BTW, LOVED the two arm chairs in the dressing room side – think they would notice if I snuck them out??

anyway …

First off the make-up artist worked her magic and made me look human. Honestly, I want her to live with me and do that every day – it didn’t look like I was really wearing any and looked like me but WAY better.  LOVED!

The show’s stylist (and forgive me right now but for the life of me the only name of anyone I met that day that I can remember was the lovely PA, Plum) brought me to the bathroom – in the HALLWAY! oh, the glamour of television –  to do measurements (!!!!) and give me my outfit for the shoot – the afore mentioned bandeau top and boy-shorts.  Not as terrible as I thought and I have found my new favourite undies –  Jockey bamboo boy-shorts! Honestly, so comfy and soft and THEY DON”T RIDE UP AT ALL!!  Of course I got to keep the pair that I wore that day (duh) and have since gone out and bought myself 6 pair.  They are THAT good.

anyway, carrying on …

Then it came to my turn to be on camera – GAH!  Oh, and have I mentioned that the camera crew were all men??!!  But professionals, I guess, and used to this so whatever … on to the mat I stepped, in front of a full length mirror and answered questions fed to me by the segment director. The questions were pretty mundane:  name, age, occupation, then came WEIGHT!  and MEASUREMENTS!  and then the crux of the matter – what is my fashion/wardrobe dilemma (too much black, too conservative, a little boring) and what did I hope the girls could help me with (to be a bit more fashion forward, adventurous).  I guess this lasted about 10 minutes but it seemed like FOREVER!

When it was over I got back into my own clothes and met with the second director and camera crew for the outside “before” shots.  This consisted mainly of me walking back and forth on the side walk by Victory Park which is right across from the where the studio is.  If you are at all familiar with Vancouver you will know that the people who hang out in Victory Park are mainly addicts and homeless people.

Walking back and forth being followed by a camera crew caused quite a stir!  I tried to act all natural and like I do this all the time but really?  AWKWARD!  AT one point they had me sitting on a bench, texting, looking natural (!!!) – I sent the following text to my sister “they are filming me texting you so when you see this on tv that is what I am doing – HA!”.  People were staring at us and after it was over a few came up to me and were all like “are you an actress?”.

um, no

And so it ended and I survived and it wasn’t terrible. The big “reveal” is being shot next week and I can’t wait to see what they pick!

A few weeks ago I was invited to an evening cocktail party at a friend’s house – promised to be a fun evening.  Of course I offered to bring something and was told that an appetizer would be great.

Last week the hostess sent an email around to all of us who had offered to bring an appetizer so that she could get an idea of what was coming.  My original intention was to being edamame humus with pita chips but by the time the email got to me there were at least 5 other dip-type items on it so I decided to do something different – Chex Party Mix.  So that’s what I wrote.

I mean everyone likes that, right?  And it goes well with cocktails and there would be MEN there and from what I understand men aren’t generally all that excited about dips.  Anyway, I didn’t give it another thought.

Until Saturday afternoon.

I called a girlfriend of mine (actually the friend through whom I know the hostess) who was also going to coordinate rides, etc.  We were chatting about this and that and then she asked me – were you serious about the Chex Party Mix?  Of course, I answered, why?

Apparently some of the women WHO I DON”T EVEN KNOW! saw it listed on the email and got their knickers in a serious knot.  WHO is this person? they demanded.  What kind of person brings a bag of bits & bites to an adult cocktail party??!!  seriously, apparently there was an entire day of emails like that – totally trash-talking this insolent gatecrasher and her audacity in thinking that this was acceptable party fare.

OH. MY. GOD!!!!  These women are all in their mid to late 40’s and early 50’s. Professionals for the most part.  But way bitchy and petty apparently.

I assured my friend that I was in no way bringing a vacu-sealed bag of bits and bites to the party – I was in fact in the middle of making home-made Chex Party Mix – with pecans and almonds and three types of organic cereals and Chinese noodles.  This was not your 1970’s housewife party mix.

and don’t think I wasn’t tempted to go to the corner store and buy a bag and bring it with a 6-pack of no-name pop.

But I didn’t.  Because I am better than that.

The party was fun.  My Chex Mix a huge hit – it was the ONLY dish from the table that made its way to the kitchen and was surrounded by all the men.

And I found out who started the mean emails and it was none other than that bitch who last year stuck me with $150 of a group bill AFTER going on and on and on about how much money she and her husband make.  And of course she pretended not to have ever met me before.

Karma’s a bitch, babe, that’s what I have to say to you.

You know those “reality” shows where the person goes on, unhappy with themselves or their house or their wardrobe or whatever?  like TLC’s “What Not to Wear” or Britain’s Trinny & Suzanna??  Well Canada’s W Network is launching their own version, hosted by Anna & Kristina of  Shopping Bag and Grocery Bag fame called Beauty Call, and I applied.

And got on.

The first shoot is this coming Tuesday – and I have to appear on camera wearing a black bandeau top and black boy-shorts.

Half naked.

ON CAMERA.

For NATIONAL TELEVISION.

I guess it’s too late to start with the sit-ups … I wonder if I could request a full bar on my ryder???

UPDATE:  I did it today and it was scary but not terrible!  The (ALL MALE!!) camera crew were great and the production team really made me feel comfortable.  I said that this year I was going to do stuff that scared me and took me out of my comfort zone.  This totally qualifies!!  Can’t wait to see what they pick out for me!!  stay tunes …

and I’m not talking baked goods here – though cupcakes ARE delicious …

what I am referring to is the not so new but kinda new to my world trend of men leaving their fabulous and age-appropriate wives for much younger, and decidedly LESS fabulous, girls, hereinafter referred to as “cupcakes”

I spent a good deal of time this past summer at my parent’s home in Knowlton, Quebec – a lovely town about an hour south-west of Montreal world renowned for their Brome Lake Duck and home to more than one retired Canadian politician of note

It is a small-ish town in the way that everyone pretty much knows everyone or at the very least a little about everyone and it is very difficult to conduct any part of life “in secret”, let alone affairs.

enter the cupcakes

on 2 separate occasions I met 2 fabulous women in thier late 40’s/early 50’s – gorgeous, fit, intelligent, great mums, interesting, etc – all around FABULOUS

on both occasions I learned that their respective husbands had “traded them in” for new models – YOUNGER models – much less fabulous, not nearly as gorgeous, together, intelligent, interesting, etc – in fact the only thing I could see that these young things, these cupcakes, had going for them was their age – BOTH under 25

both men are in their mid-50’s

I had occasion to meet and converse with both cupcakes, one prior to meeting her predecessor and the other after – to say that I was underwhelmed would be a massive understatement – these girls had NOTHING to contribute to anything

and I sincerely hope that the men in question have mega-bucks because really? YUCK!!! I suppose if you had been with the man for 25 years already and had a couple of children with him and all that you would find him attractive, but now?  not so much – both are clearly a case of being rich enough to be good looking

and insecure??  holy man were these cupcakes ever insecure! one of them can be found pretty much every day between the hours of 1 and 3 sitting on the deck of the local marina, sipping wine, nibbling at her salad and “working” away on her Luis Vuitton wrapped laptop – being sure that each adn every person was sure to see that it was indeed a LUIS VUITTON warpped laptop.

ridiculous

and she was always alone, sitting at a table for 4, never making eye contact with anyone

sad really, and I would have felt sorry for her except that I had seen the emails she had sent her now-fiance when he was still somebody else’s husband

I know that there is absolutely nothing new or groundbreaking about what I am writing – the same thing has been going on FOREVER and will continue to so ling as men and boys and women are, well cupcakes.

However, it did make me think long and hard about my own, currently single situation – how does one compete with the cupcakes?  Not that I have or would EVER have designs on someone else’s husband, but if men in their 40’s and 50’s are really looking for girls in their 20’s, where does that leave me?

taking a leap of faith here …

One of my favourite daily reads, Heather Hunter of “This Fish Needs a Bicycle” fame wrote this post about this post.  Quite something, no?

I was then reminded of a post of my own from 2 years or so ago.

The last year or so has been rather, for lack of a better word, tumultuous for me.  The on-again/off-again cycle ended rather dramatically with me winding up with a new puppy.  Have I mentioned that it was on the eve of my starting a new career?? And on that front, I have survived aggressive internal sabotage and come out on top. Not to mention the wee company I work for surviving the topsy-turvy world of the stock market. We are still here –  yeah us!

More recently my mother’s illness pretty much consumed my emotional resources and most of my time and energy.  But if I can take anything positive away from that experience, and I like to think that there is A LOT of things positive to be taken away from it, then it is this: do not wait for things to happen.

So in taking a page from Ms. Hunter, here’s an updated version of that post I wrote VERY tongue in cheek two years ago, though this time not so tongue in cheek.

To:  Potential Suitor(s)

From:  Me

Me, a single, 39 41 year old never been married and doesn’t want kids EVER woman, who may or may not have some serious control issues.  I live alone with quite possibly the world’s cutest and best golden retriever named Maggie, though she does have a somewhat irritating habit of throwing up randomly, and oftentimes on the bed, and she thinks that rolling in dead stuff is pretty much the best. thing. ever. Our new addition, Scout, is equally adorable in a rough-and-tumble kind of way, absolutely one of a kind. They take priority over EVERYTHING.  And there is no arguing that point, so don’t bother.  I maintain that I am a morning person, but don’t bother talking to me for the first 2 or 3 hours of the morning because I will not respond in a caring and positive manner (sadly, still very, very true).  You have been warned.  Food and I have an interesting relationship and there is rarely anything other than condiments in my fridge at any given moment (I Have changed a bit in that regard and try to maintain a somewhat stocked fridge.  Oh, hell, who am I kidding – even the condiments are not a sure bet!!).  Except for the $30 worth of olives from the WholeFoods olive bar (check!), or the 3 bottles of wine (and double check!)– I love to cook and am really, really good at it, but I also have to completely rationalize each and every morsel that goes into my mouth, hence the complicated relationship.  (Therapy has been wonderful) Again, you have been warned. For obvious reasons the section about meeting my mother and her eagerness to plan a wedding  is now no longer relevant.  That said, my father is indeed a lovely, wonderful man and is very direct with his questions.  Do not be afraid.  If you read more than the sports section, enjoy good beer, wine and whiskey (and bring same with you) and golf, you are pretty much a sure thing. Oh, but I do have fabulous hair (blond now, not brown) and shoes for every occasion imaginable, and even some for the non-imaginable (the collection has diminished, see Scout, above), and I have been told that I am fun at parties, though I don’t know if this is a good thing or if it is because I can do some incredibly stupid but apparently amusing things, but whatever, and? I can totally teach you the Hustle in under 5 minutes and am the undisputed champ of useless 80’s movie and music trivia.

If this sounds at all appealing …  (good therapist was found – maybe I should ask for a refund??) applications are currently being accepted.

Cheers!

Dear random person on the bus:

 

You are welcome.  As you discovered, that Whole Foods shopping bag contains pretty much one of everything one might need at home that can be procured from London Drugs– toilet paper (the good stuff, Charmin), facial tissue (who are we kidding, KLEENEX), toothpaste (again, the good stuff – Pro-Namel), dish soap, dishwasher soap-pods, Q-tips, Method floor cleaner for hardwood floors, 2 Mars bars, Extra Strength Tylenol and Extra Strength Advil (liquid-gel caps if you please) and 2 boxes of lady things.

 

I left all of that in a tidy, Whole Foods shopping bag enclosed package, ON THE BLOODY BUS!!!!!

 

Funny, when I called to see if anyone had turned it in, they had not.

 

I hope you enjoy my shopping selection and that all of the products are to your liking.

 

xoxo  me

 

p.s.  yes, I am a bitter dumb-ass, especially considering that I said to myself when sititng down “self, DO NOT leave this on the bus”

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