I was at the salon yesterday – every 6 weeks like clockwork – and my hairdresser kept asking how I was.  She finally asked “late night last night?”

“no”, I replied “why?”

“you just seem so, I don’t know, mellow”

that one comment gave me much pause to think – mellow is not generally a word used to describe me

I left with my hair magically brought back to it’s real colour (one of the side effects of aging?  the GREY!!!!), the sun was shining and the beach was bekoning so I grabbed a coffee, found a friendly log on English Bay and spent some time simply reflecting on recent events.

a little over 4 weeks ago my life made a rather drastic 180 degree turn – new job, new puppy, and someone who had been a rather significant part of life these past 3 years told me that he no longer was

one could say that’s a lot of change

and you know what?  one would be right

but you know what?  I didn’t fall apart.  I didn’t crumble, retreat into myself, spend days crying and moping and not eating and wondering “what if?”, etc …

I had a new puppy to take care of and a new job to start and so I just coped – I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders and faced the world with a quiet confidence I actually felt

until certain stresses are gone from your life you don’t realise just how much they are affecting you

the first Monday morning after I left my old job I woke up and felt RELIEVED that I didn’t have to go to that office – while I was there I knew that it wasn’t my dream job or where I saw myself forever, but I didn’t fully appreciated just how stressed and anxious simply being there was making me

until I didn’t have to go there anymore

as for that other thing, the person who no longer wanted to be a part of my life, for the first time since pretty much the beginning of it I am not living with uncertainty – not knowing where I stand, where we stand, are we? aren’t we? is he? will he?  will WE?? 

I know where I stand – there is no “WE” – there is a me and a him but they are seperate and apart once and finally for all

of course I miss him, I miss the daily debriefing, the checking in, the touchstone – of course he comes to mind several times a day (more often that I would like but less and less each week) and of course when things happen it’s him I want to share them with

but this will pass

and of course there is Scout, who is fabulous and I love her to pieces

and the new job, which is also fabulous

so how am I feeling?

for the first time in a long, long while I am calm

and loving it