DISCLAIMER:  I am totally ripping off this idea from the lovely Kristi over at “She just walks around with it”.  Reading it got me to thinking of how I may come off if writing a similar description for myself and the giggling began … Maggie, please take a memo

To:  Potential Suitor(s)

From:  Me

Me, a single, 39 year old never been married and doesn’t want kids EVER woman, who may or may not have some serious control issues.  I live alone with quite possibly the world’s cutest and best golden retriever named Maggie, though she does have a somewhat irritating habit of throwing up randomly, and oftentimes on the bed, and she thinks that rolling in dead stuff is pretty much the best. thing. ever.  Also, she takes priority over EVERYTHING.  And there is no arguing that point, so don’t bother.  I maintain that I am a morning person, but don’t bother talking to me for the first 2 or 3 hours of the morning because I will not respond in a caring and positive manner.  You have been warned.  Food and I have an interesting relationship and there is rarely anything other than condiments in my fridge at any given moment.  Except for the $30 worth of olives from the WholeFoods olive bar, or the 3 bottles of wine – I love to cook and am really, really good at it, but I also have to completely rationalize each and every morsel that goes into my mouth, hence the complicated relationship.  You see, my mother was in the fashion industry, and told me I was fat pretty much every day of my adolescence and even once sent me to a hypnotist to “cure me” (that’s a whole other story) and well I grew up around skinny models and so well you can see where this is going.  Again, you have been warned.  Oh, and if you do meet my parents, and they are absolutely lovely and I love them more than I could possibly say,  please do not be afraid if my mother asks you right away how many people will be on your side of the guest list.  She is really excited that I have actually brought home a boy and about planning the wedding she has been waiting to happen for oh I don’t know about 15 years or so (and is also secretly relieved that I am in fact not a lesbian (not that there’s anything wrong with that) as though she hasn’t actually come out and said it you know that she has been thinking it, given the drought of men in my life at present or in the recent past). Oh, but I do have fabulous hair and the girls?  well I have now been asked more than once in recent times if they are “real” – YES!!!! – and shoes for every occasion imaginable, and even some for the non-imaginable, and I have been told that I am fun at parties, though I don’t know if this is a good thing or if it is because I can do some incredibly stupid but apparently amusing things, but whatever, and? I can totally teach you the Hustle in under 5 minutes and am the undisputed champ of useless 80’s movie and music trivia.  If this sounds at all appealing … or on second thought, having just re-read that, maybe I should search out a good therapist (or bartender, whichever works) and then get back to you in say, oh I don’t know, another 6 months or so??

Have a fabulous weekend!!

Advertisements