right now I feel like a duck – all calm on the surface and paddling like mad just to stay afloat – not an original analogy I realise, but there you go

on the surface, all is great – I have an interesting and rewarding job that I like (mostly), I have great friends (again, mostly – there is some “purging” that needs to be done there), I have a great dog, I have a, well let’s call it interesting shall we, relationship with a wonderful (mostly, though some would disagree, and vehemently) man,  live in a great apartment in a great neighbourhood, etc., etc., etc.  see? everything is GREAT.

 except that it’s not

 yes, I have a good job but honestly I am not at all thrilled with the industry that I work in and sometimes feel that it is all for naught and rather silly and trivial

as for my friends, yes I do have great friends but the majority of my “real” friends, the ones who have known me since the early years and with whom no explanation is necessary, live on the other side of the country

Maggie is great, full stop

I do live in a nice apartment in a really nice neighbourhood, but truth be told it is the basement of someone else’s fabulous house and I am helping pay for someone else’s mortgage.  I fantasize of owning my own home, though in Vancouver and in a neighbourhood that I would actually consider living in that’s just not going to happen unless I either a. win the lottery or b. marry RICH – alternatively I would like to live in an apartment similar to that of Paul and Jamie Buchman in “Mad About You”

and how about that relationship, sportsfans?  well, to date he has been in London for 6 of the past 8 weeks, is coming home Friday for the weekend, and I mean weekend as in flying in late Friday and leaving Monday, to see his kids, and then it’s back to the UK for another 3 to 5 weeks.  rather problematic on a lot of levels

so yeah, I am throwing myself a big ole pity party tonight

and while I’m at it, why not throw this out to the universe – I mean really, I’l be 39 in 2 short weeks and that is just adding to the “greatness” of my life at the moment, what do I have to lose by putting what I want out there for all (or, rather, the lovely few that read this) to see?

WHAT I WANT

I want to get married

I want the man I love to love me back

I want to be happy with me, warts and all

I want to be brave

I want a Kitchen-Aid standing mixer (pink, please)

I want to have a book published

I want to surf

I want to be financially independent

I want to loose 15 pounds

I want my parents to be proud of me

I want to live in a nice house with a yard and an extra room “just because”

I want to not have to worry about spending too much money on a pair of shoes

I want people to vie for my attention

I want to spend a month in France with someone I love

I want to feel true contentment

I want to know who I am

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