I have told two key girlfriends that I am ending things with him tonight. Why tell them in advance? To hold myself accountable. If I didn’t tell them then I could just not do it and keep things going the way they are indefinitely. That would be easy. He could keep me dangling, seeing me when it’s convenient for him and just enough to keep me interested. As soon as he felt me building resolve to leave him, he could be his ever so charming self and reel me right back in and I would go, likely willingly, until the next time. And then we would start all over again.
I play the game as much as he does. Want him to call? Don’t answer his email for a day. He’ll call but quick. And take me out somewhere fabulous. And tell me I’m beautiful and wonderful and special and lovely and look at me like I am the single most important thing in his world and the only one who understands him. Once satisfied that I’m placated, his life will go back to being “frantic” and no, dinner won’t work this day, but how about next week? When things settle down? Trouble is, they never settle down. Not completely anyway and they likely never will.
I deserve more than this and it’s about time one of us acknowledges it. It sucks and it’s hard and it doesn’t make me stop loving him, but the fact is I love me more and that’s what I have to focus on.
That’s why I told two friends – they will totally kick my ass if I waver and quite frankly they scare the ever loving crap out of me.
*so this whole break-up thing has been postponed to Sunday. Absolutely don’t want to do it over the phone, so live and in person Sunday afternoon it is. It’s gonna be a long, long week