I’m sitting on my couch in my favourite PJ’s, sipping Aveda comforting tea and watching some enlightening show on television.

The phone rings.

“Hi, it’s me”

“Oh, hi”

“How are you?”

“Great, you?”

At this point am wondering why he’s calling. Why now? Why tonight? Is it a purely “let’s catch up on what’s going on” phone call or is it a “I have a few minutes to kill while waiting for my toast to pop” phone call or is it a “does he want or need something from me” phone call? What?

“Um, can I come over?”

“Now? Like tonight”

“Um, yeah, if that’s okay”

Yeah, it’s like SO NOT okay. You broke my heart months ago, you bastard!!!! You continue to hold on to one little part of me and push and pull as it pleases you and so of course it’s not okay!!!!!

“Of course, if you don’t mind the pj’s”

“Not at all (laughs) I’ll be there in about 15 minutes”

“Great, see you then”

Panic sets in. Glasses on or off??? Keep the pj’s as is or swap the ratty t for a sexy cami and try and pull off the “this is what I always wear to bed” attitude?? Make more tea or just stay on the couch and barely move to open the door for him?? DAMN HIM TO HELL ALREADY!!!!!

Swapped the t for the cami, kept the glasses on, made more tea.

Knock on the door

“Hi”

Big hug

“you look beautiful”

“um, thanks” (blush, feel slightly uncomfortable)

“tea?”

“sure, thanks”

I hate when we are this stilted together. I want the close comfort that we had. And still have, sometimes. But not always. Like now.

We settle on the couch, at opposite ends

“So, what’s up”

“I miss you”

Yippee!! He misses me!! He misses me!! La la la la la la (Smurf song)

“Um, well, uh, I”

“I miss talking to you …”

“we talk all the time”

“you know what I mean. I miss being with you. Like this”

“That was your choice. You ‘weren’t ready for me’, remember? You ended things and moved on with HER. That was your choice”

“I know. And I’m sorry”

Oh. My. God.

How desperately I have wanted to hear those words!!!!! I love this man and have tried to stop loving and wanting this man but I just can’t. I love him. I can’t stop loving him. Or wanting him.

“What am I supposed to say to that?”

He just looks at me and takes my hand and draws me close and I’m not stopping him. I can’t stop him. I don’t want to stop him. I want him. I want his arms around me and I don’t ever want him to leave. I feel the tears running down my face and I feel warm and happy and safe and LOVED.

* EDIT: I was getting all sorts of emails from friends asking why in the hell I hadn’t told them that this happened and I was quite puzzled — it was a dream for crying out loud!!!! Wasn’t that clear?? Apparently not. Seems I omitted this rather vital final sentence:

Then I woke up. My pillow damp with tears.

oops, sorry about that

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