As I was changing the roll of TP on Sunday (a detail from my life you probably don’t need to know, but tuff, you’re reading MY blog) I realized that it had lasted a whole week. Now why this is important is because two weeks ago I actually ran out of TP, which was weird. However, it was a Friday morning and I live alone (Maggie doesn’t use this particular supply) and knew that I would buy some on the way home from work, so wasn’t all that concerned (file running out of TP as just another reason why I need a wife/personal assistant to take care of these details when I am preoccupied with other stuff, like work, non-dating, etc).

Anyway, my sister and a friend dropped by my place to drop off her dog and use the facilities. Finding no TP she did the only other logical thing, used wrapping tissue, thus successfully clogging my toilet. Unable to find my plunger (which is kept under the kitchen sink) she closed the lid, shut the door and left me a note. Imagine my joy when I got home from work, new package of Charmin in hand, to find her note and the clog.

This was over Labour Day weekend and she spent the 3 days with me in the city. The following Sunday, I realized that I was yet again out of TP — WTF??? 4 rolls in 8 days? That just seemed wrong. This is why I was aware that one roll had lasted me, alone, an entire week, thus causing me to come to one of two logical conclusions possible in this scenario: 1. my sister uses A LOT of TP or 2. she is stealing rolls to try and cut costs. Now she did mention that she found the Charmin especially soft and cushy. You see, she is far more ecologically minded than I am, basically a pinecone eater who wears Prada, and so her TP is of the rough, unbleached, safe and friendly for the environment variety. The Charmin is kind of like crack for her butt. I am thinking she stuffed a roll or two in her bio-degradable, reusable and recyclable bag when she went back home ….

All of this caused me to think of “The Bad Girl’s Guide to Getting What You Want” by Cameron Tuttle. Some highlights:

The joy of a bonus

One roll of toilet paper: $0.59
One heist
of toilet paper: $11.21
One year of toilet paper heists: $134.52
Knowing
you’ll never have to buy toilet paper again … priceless.

Pilfering toilet paper like a pro

Sure you can swipe one roll of toilet paper every day for the rest of
your life. But where’s the challenge in that? Where’s the thrill? Where’s the volume in the volume discount? Besides, it’s kind of a buzz kill when you reach into your bag after a few drinks at happy hour and a roll of TP flies out along with your business card and unrolls across the floor, stopping at the feet of the hot guy you were hoping to hook up with. It’s far more fun to challenge yourself and stage a monthly TP heist when you’re sure you’ll be going straight home.

One roll under your hat.

One flattened in each bra cup.

One tucked into each arm pit.

Six to eight threaded on a large belt around your waist under a coat.

One (wrapped in foil) on a long silver chain around your neck.

Two to four stuffed down your pantyhose if you’re wearing a skirt or in
your kneesocks if wearing pants.

Two to four (depending upon shoe size) taped to the soles of your shoes, transforming them into temporary platforms.

So my question to you is this: Have you ever stolen TP??

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