sometimes life’s just not fair

I spent most of this weekend sad.  On my way home from work Friday evening the fact that my mother was gone and not coming back really hit me.  And so I cried.  And I cried, and I cried and then I cried some more.  I don’t know why THIS weekend was special, maybe because the weather had turned and it was WET and gross out?  who knows.  All I do know is that I was very, very sad all weekend and I cried a lot.

Over the last year I have lost touch with a few people;  some intentionally, some not.  One person in particular, a friend of over 20 years, was particularly callous in her dealings with me – when mum was officially diagnosed and her surgery scheduled I was slated to host a baby shower for a dear friend.  When I got the news about mum my first instinct was of course to drop everything and fly across the country to be with her.  I called my (very) pregnant girlfriend, explained the situation and asked her if she wanted the shower to go ahead without me, which it totally could, or if she wanted to wait for me to get back, potentially post-baby, and then do it.  She left it to me, totally understanding that what I had to do was a wee bit more important than making party sandwiches for a bunch of women.  So I called our other friend, at whose aunt’s house the shower was being held (neither of us have a house large enough and her aunt had graciously offered the use of her garden).  She too left it to me and I told them that I would let them know my decision after I spoke with my parents.

In the interim I was copied on an email by the third friend involved, my friend of over 20 years, in which she basically said well since Kathryn is bailing on her responsibilities I guess we had better take over and make sure this shower happens.

Um, excuse me?  I was not “bailing”.  Also?  She never called me to see if a. my mum was ok and b. if I was ok.  She just took it upon herself to cast me in a bad light and basically be a bitch.

I wound up NOT going home that weekend and went ahead with the planning and hosting of the shower, which included doing (and paying for) all of the shopping, cooking and preparing the house and garden for 30 women.  And I did it gladly because the mum to be is a dear friend.

(and not that we do these things for the kudos, but to add insult to injury, the other 2 girls involved got all the thank you’s from the guests – not me)

Still not one word of concern from my so-called-friend.

She finally got around to calling me about a week later, asking how my mum was doing.  When I told her the diagnosis, which at that stage was that she had bladder cancer and her bladder had to be removed, her response was “well at least it’s not as bad as what my sister has”.  I feel the need to fully explain this statement – her “sister” is a 50 something year old woman who was the put up for adoption at birth daughter of her step-father and his first wife.  She met her “sister” 3 years ago. And regardless, who cares whose is worse? My mother was diagnosed with serious cancer, was having an organ removed and I was scared.

Stunned by her response, I cut the conversation short.

A week or two later we were supposed to meet for cocktails after work – I was flying out to Montreal in a few days to be with my family during mum’s surgery and for Thanksgiving.  When I called to confirm time, location, ect (on my way to meet her) she was laughing and joking with some people and said that she was with people from work and that I should join them.  Um, no. I was in no mood to be with people I didn’t know.  So I told her that, That I was not up to being in a group with people I didn’t know and that my preference was to go just the two of us for a quiet drink and chat.  She told me that I really had to stop being so self-centred.

So I went home, seething.  I called her at home later but she wasn’t there so I left a message.  I probably should not have but I was hurt and angry.  I told her that I felt she was being very unsupportive and that her whole attitude towards me and what I was going through with my mum was very hurtful.

I should probably also explain here that she and my mum were close, that my mum had taken care of my friend on many occasions when her own family would or could not.

Anyway, my trip to Montreal came and went.  It was stressful and emotional and just the beginning it turned out of a terrible roller-coaster that we would all ride for the next 10 months.

My friend called me once after I got back but I really didn’t have the energy to call her back.

In February we got the news that the cancer was back and that mum would have to go through chemo.  As we know now that was the beginning of the end and I was back and forth between Montreal and Vancouver quite a bit over the next few months, trying to keep things at work and at home afloat and trying to remain positive for all those around me.

We have a few mutual friends so my friend new what was going on.  She called once, leaving a message.  I returned the call, giving her an update. That was the last time we had any form of contact.  As a result of this “rift” I have lost contact with not a small circle of people I used to be quite social with.  Not such a great loss as I see it now. But it still bugs me.

Never has she sent any kind of sign or acknowledgement that my mum died. Not a note, not an email, not a text message, NOTHING.  Not a word.  Quite telling about her character, I think.

All of that back-story melodrama to say this:  on Saturday afternoon I managed to get the energy together and dragged myself in the pouring rain down to Park Royal  to run some errands.  And who walked out of the Home Depot right in front of me but her. She was with one of another of my once-friends.  I felt physically sick to my stomach and darted into the next store. They were in front of me, it was pouring rain and I was wearing a hood so they did not see me, but still.  The last thing I was up for was an awkward encounter and I truly did not have the energy to smile and pretend to be glad to see them.

Fuck them.

That near-encounter brought up so many unresolved feelings and emotions and down-right anger that I have been keeping under wraps all this time.

Fuck them.

I have lost so much this year, it’s just not fair.

And?

Fuck them and the brooms they rode in on.

 

Beauty Call Part II – conquering fears

I am not one for New Year’s resolutions – personally I think they are stupid and do not stick.  However, this year I made a promise to myself to try things that scare me and that get me out of my comfort-zone.

Going on national television in my undies counts I think, right?

Last week I told you how I got a call from Anna & Kristina’s Beauty Call and that I had been selected to appear on this new make-over show.  Well the first part, the SCARY part, was filmed on Tuesday – and while scary, it was not terrible.

I arrived on set not really sure what to expect other than the fact that at some point I would be in front of a camera in not a lot of clothes.  The “studio” is in an old office building bordering on Yaletown and has been staged to look like a girls’ dressing room on one side, complete with vanity full of make-up and accessories and a fashion designer’s studio on the other - drafting tables, bulletin boards with sketches, magazine cut-outs, etc.  BTW, LOVED the two arm chairs in the dressing room side – think they would notice if I snuck them out??

anyway …

First off the make-up artist worked her magic and made me look human. Honestly, I want her to live with me and do that every day – it didn’t look like I was really wearing any and looked like me but WAY better.  LOVED!

The show’s stylist (and forgive me right now but for the life of me the only name of anyone I met that day that I can remember was the lovely PA, Plum) brought me to the bathroom – in the HALLWAY! oh, the glamour of television –  to do measurements (!!!!) and give me my outfit for the shoot – the afore mentioned bandeau top and boy-shorts.  Not as terrible as I thought and I have found my new favourite undies –  Jockey bamboo boy-shorts! Honestly, so comfy and soft and THEY DON”T RIDE UP AT ALL!!  Of course I got to keep the pair that I wore that day (duh) and have since gone out and bought myself 6 pair.  They are THAT good.

anyway, carrying on …

Then it came to my turn to be on camera – GAH!  Oh, and have I mentioned that the camera crew were all men??!!  But professionals, I guess, and used to this so whatever … on to the mat I stepped, in front of a full length mirror and answered questions fed to me by the segment director. The questions were pretty mundane:  name, age, occupation, then came WEIGHT!  and MEASUREMENTS!  and then the crux of the matter – what is my fashion/wardrobe dilemma (too much black, too conservative, a little boring) and what did I hope the girls could help me with (to be a bit more fashion forward, adventurous).  I guess this lasted about 10 minutes but it seemed like FOREVER!

When it was over I got back into my own clothes and met with the second director and camera crew for the outside “before” shots.  This consisted mainly of me walking back and forth on the side walk by Victory Park which is right across from the where the studio is.  If you are at all familiar with Vancouver you will know that the people who hang out in Victory Park are mainly addicts and homeless people.

Walking back and forth being followed by a camera crew caused quite a stir!  I tried to act all natural and like I do this all the time but really?  AWKWARD!  AT one point they had me sitting on a bench, texting, looking natural (!!!) – I sent the following text to my sister “they are filming me texting you so when you see this on tv that is what I am doing – HA!”.  People were staring at us and after it was over a few came up to me and were all like “are you an actress?”.

um, no

And so it ended and I survived and it wasn’t terrible. The big “reveal” is being shot next week and I can’t wait to see what they pick!

 

Beauty Call

You know those “reality” shows where the person goes on, unhappy with themselves or their house or their wardrobe or whatever?  like TLC’s “What Not to Wear” or Britain’s Trinny & Suzanna??  Well Canada’s W Network is launching their own version, hosted by Anna & Kristina of  Shopping Bag and Grocery Bag fame called Beauty Call, and I applied.

And got on.

The first shoot is this coming Tuesday – and I have to appear on camera wearing a black bandeau top and black boy-shorts.

Half naked.

ON CAMERA.

For NATIONAL TELEVISION.

I guess it’s too late to start with the sit-ups … I wonder if I could request a full bar on my ryder???

UPDATE:  I did it today and it was scary but not terrible!  The (ALL MALE!!) camera crew were great and the production team really made me feel comfortable.  I said that this year I was going to do stuff that scared me and took me out of my comfort zone.  This totally qualifies!!  Can’t wait to see what they pick out for me!!  stay tunes …

 

Holt Renfrew’s $500 Shopping Bag

I wrote about my frustration with Holt’s over the whole why don’t they have a reusable shopping bag available to their customers last year.

And now they are doing THIS – in order to get a limited edition designed by Diane Von Furstenberg reusable Holt Renfrew shopping bag, you first have to buy $500 (before tax) worth of stuff.  Sure, the bag comes full of wonderful goodies from exclusive designers and such but still, why not just have the bag itself on offer for NOT $500??

 

fall pantry essentials?

I was cruising through my latest Twitter updates and saw this one from Food Network Canada on Fall Pantry Essentials.

Excellent, I thought, clicking on the link, expecting to see all sorts of wonderfuland interesting ideas of what I should stock in my pantry this fall.

Yeah, so I was wrong.  Dead wrong.  Instant hot chocolate mix?  Canned soups, broths and stocks??  Pancake mix?  Salad dressing?  INSTANT stuffing???  and who, please tell me, buys PARMESAN cheese IN BULK?????

I am not a food snob, really, ok well maybe I am, but why encourage viewers of the Food Network to eat sodium enriched cardboard and keep their pantries stocked with same??

For the most part the shows on Food TV Canada serve to educate and expand our views of food as we know it and extol the virtues of the HOMEMADE not the pre-packaged crap that gets sold in, to quote one of my Food Network faves Alton Brown, the MEGA MARTS that plague North America.

Sure, some canned goods are a necessary part of modern life, but really, INSTANT STUFFING?  Who is too lazy to make stuffing from scratch??  Ditto hot chocolate mix and salad dressing.

and the thought of Parmesan cheese in bulk is simply frightening

so tell me, what would YOU put on a list entitled “Fall Pantry essentials”??

 

LOLA!!

Like I’ve mentioned, I spent a good part of the summer, 6 weeks, back home in Montreal and Knowlton with my family. The reason for us all being there for the summer was of course not a happy one – my mother passed away and we were with her for the last month of her life, caring for her at home.  However, in looking for some bright spots to it all I got to spend 6 weeks 24/7 with my niece, something I absolutely would not have had the opportunity to do otherwise.  Since coming back to Vancouver I have had to make do with the pictures Paula sends on a  pretty much daily basis.   Mum’s memorial service is next saturday, September 19, so I will get my live and in person LOLA! fix then.  These were in my in-box this morning – how fabulous is she??

entertaining her fans

Charles Dutoit in training

good to the last drop

 

the cupcake phenomenon

and I’m not talking baked goods here – though cupcakes ARE delicious …

what I am referring to is the not so new but kinda new to my world trend of men leaving their fabulous and age-appropriate wives for much younger, and decidedly LESS fabulous, girls, hereinafter referred to as “cupcakes”

I spent a good deal of time this past summer at my parent’s home in Knowlton, Quebec – a lovely town about an hour south-west of Montreal world renowned for their Brome Lake Duck and home to more than one retired Canadian politician of note

It is a small-ish town in the way that everyone pretty much knows everyone or at the very least a little about everyone and it is very difficult to conduct any part of life “in secret”, let alone affairs.

enter the cupcakes

on 2 separate occasions I met 2 fabulous women in thier late 40’s/early 50’s – gorgeous, fit, intelligent, great mums, interesting, etc – all around FABULOUS

on both occasions I learned that their respective husbands had “traded them in” for new models – YOUNGER models – much less fabulous, not nearly as gorgeous, together, intelligent, interesting, etc – in fact the only thing I could see that these young things, these cupcakes, had going for them was their age – BOTH under 25

both men are in their mid-50’s

I had occasion to meet and converse with both cupcakes, one prior to meeting her predecessor and the other after – to say that I was underwhelmed would be a massive understatement – these girls had NOTHING to contribute to anything

and I sincerely hope that the men in question have mega-bucks because really? YUCK!!! I suppose if you had been with the man for 25 years already and had a couple of children with him and all that you would find him attractive, but now?  not so much – both are clearly a case of being rich enough to be good looking

and insecure??  holy man were these cupcakes ever insecure! one of them can be found pretty much every day between the hours of 1 and 3 sitting on the deck of the local marina, sipping wine, nibbling at her salad and “working” away on her Luis Vuitton wrapped laptop – being sure that each adn every person was sure to see that it was indeed a LUIS VUITTON warpped laptop.

ridiculous

and she was always alone, sitting at a table for 4, never making eye contact with anyone

sad really, and I would have felt sorry for her except that I had seen the emails she had sent her now-fiance when he was still somebody else’s husband

I know that there is absolutely nothing new or groundbreaking about what I am writing – the same thing has been going on FOREVER and will continue to so ling as men and boys and women are, well cupcakes.

However, it did make me think long and hard about my own, currently single situation – how does one compete with the cupcakes?  Not that I have or would EVER have designs on someone else’s husband, but if men in their 40’s and 50’s are really looking for girls in their 20’s, where does that leave me?

 

one week

One week ago today, on August 13, 2009, my mother lost her battle with cancer.  She passed away at home surrounded by her family.  We took her home from the hospital 13 days prior so that she could be at home with her family, her gardens, her dog, her home.  This was what she, and all of us, wanted and I believe that it was the best thing.  It wasn’t easy, providing palliative care for her at home, but the alternative was just unthinkable.

I won’t go into huge detail about those last 13 days but I will say that the health care givers in Quebec, and in the Knowlton/Brome region specifically, are AMAZING.  I cannot say enough good about them, truly.  I will be forever grateful to them.

Her funeral was on Tuesday and it was lovely – a private family service with a memorial planned for later in September.

I miss her more  than I can possibly say.

 

the hardest thing

It has been a while, ok a long, LONG while, since I have posted anything new or anything of any substance here.  It’s not that nothing has been going on, it’s simply that I haven’t been sure how or if I wanted to talk about in this forum.

But now I do.  I think. Maybe.

My mother is dying.  There, I’ve said it.  And it is the hardest and suckiest and most terribly heart-breaking thing I, and the rest of my family, have ever been through.

Last March my mother had a tumor removed from her bladder.  A pretty routine surgery, they biopsied it and it was malignant but they weren’t too worried, confident that they got it all.  She proceeded to her holiday in Florida with my dad as scheduled.  All seemed ok.

That June she broke her elbow playing tennis.

In July my sister had her baby, the amazing Lola, my mother at her side, broken elbow and all.

August came and there was another tumor to be removed.  This time the results from the biopsy were more serious and the cancer deemed “aggressive” so it was decided that the best course of action would be to remove her bladder altogether.

This news was delivered to my mother on September 7, 2008 – her 65th birthday.

That surgery took place over Thanksgiving week (October) and we all breathed a sigh of relief because even though it was major surgery and would require a HUGE life adjustment, the cancer was GONE.  Or so we thought.

In December she was given the “all clear” and came out to Vancouver for Christmas.  It was wonderful.

By the end of January, however, she was experiencing debilitating pain. I was back in Montreal for a few days to  attend the memorial service of a good friend of mine who had lost his battle with cancer at the young age of 45.  We went as a family and it was one of mum’s first “pubic outings” since her surgery.  Everyone remarked how well she looked.

A week later she was given the news that the cancer was back and that chemotherapy was going to be needed.  She started treatment in March 2009 and it didn’t do much for her other than putting her in ICU a couple of times due to an infection caused by a weakened immune system.

After an extended stay in hospital to get her pain under control, she began an intense course of radiation treatments.  At the beginning we were hopeful as she seemed to respond well to the radiation.  In the end, however, it had no effect other than once again sending her to the ICU.

Still, we held out hope, thinking maybe the worst was over and that her tumor would have shrunk and that all the pain and suffering had been worth it.

Two weeks or so ago we got the results from the latest scans – not only had her tumor not shrunk, but the cancer was now in her blood and had spread to her liver. I don’t think I need to explain what that means.

There is no further treatment.

We brought mum home from the hospital on Friday and she is now in “palliative care” here at home.  Home with her family and her dog and her gardens.

The support of family, friends and community has been amazing.  My mother is a truly wonderful woman who has touched many and is loved by all.  My sister and I came home Thursday afternoon to get the house ready for mum’s return and found a group of her friends busy at work in her gardens.  Daily cards, flowers, food, treats, etc arrive on the doorstep.  My parents’ dog, Tully, gets picked up on a  regular basis by whomever is going out that day.  The calls and emails of support are endless.

None of us can quite believe that this is happening.  She is too young and too vibrant to leave us.  None of us is ready; not that you ever can be.

My parents will have been married for 43 years come September; together for 44.  My heart is breaking for my father as theirs is truly a love affair and they are absolutely each other’s best friend.

My heart also breaks for my niece, Lola, who will never really know her grandmother.

I am being told over and over how brave I am, how strong.  How wonderful it is that we (my sister and I) are here, having left our own lives behind in Toronto and Vancouver to be here.  Where else would we be? How else could we be??

So here we will stay indefinitely with everything else “on hold”.  If what we have already gone through has been tough, the road ahead I suspect will be excruciating. But we are not alone and I take some comfort, cold though it may be, in the knwoledge that we will get through it.

 

I am PISSED at Valeri Bertinelli

Am I  pissed that she lost all that weight?  absolutely not – I think it’s fabulous.  What I am pissed about is how they are promoting it and the unrealistic image she is portraying while posing in a bikini.  Hey, she looks GREAT! but at what cost?  and to what end? as far as I can tell all it serves to do is propagate the unattainable and unrealistic (not to mention completely unhealthy) body image that Hollywood and the media force upon us.

Like most women I know, and don’t know for that matter, I have struggled with my weight pretty much all my life.  I have been WAY up and WAY down, neither healthy, and right now I am pretty much where I should be but of course am still not completely happy with it.  I lead an active life but think I should be more active.  I eat well 95% of the time, but then go through spurts, like right now coincidentally, where a 250 calorie bag of baked pretzels dipped in almost no calorie Dijon mustard makes a perfectly acceptable meal of the day.  Yeah, I know, SOOOOO healthy, right?

I had a mini melt-down the other day, thankfully in the privacy of my own bedroom, brought on I suspect by watching an interview with the aforementioned Ms. Bertinelli, tuning in to the Biggest Loser (a show I actually enjoy and think for the most part promotes a healthy attitude and approach to weight loss),  and the fast-approaching spring/summer season.  Ms. Bertinelli admitted to dropping her caloric intake to 1,200 for several weeks prior to the bikini shot.  Well of course she did?  If I knew I was going to be photographed in a bikini for millions of people to see you had better believe that I would pretty much stop eating and start working-out 6 hours a day for at LEAST a month. 

But then what? What happens when you go back to real life? What happens when you HAVE  a real life, with a real job and real responsibilities?  Most of us don’t have 6 hours a day to dedicate to working out.  Most of us don’t have a weight-loss company PAYING us to promote them thus enabling us to have those 6 hours a day to work out.

Which brings me to my next “issue” – the whole weight-loss company thing.  Jennifer Lancaster made this point over and over in her book “Such a Pretty Fat” (which I LOVED, by the way – READ IT!).  Sure, Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers work great IF YOU EAT THEIR PRE-PACKAGED FOOD.  But then what?  Are you stuck eating that crap forever??  Because, yuck. And so not healthy – it’s all processed and full of stuff you can’t pronounce and so contrary to that other dietary trend we are being inundated by – the 100 mile thing (but that’s a whole other topic for a whole other entry). And they don’t emphasize (or even mention in some cases) that exercise is the key.

This is a point that The Biggest Loser makes over and over again – change your life, change the way you eat, change the way you move.  Sure the contestants on the show have the luxury of being on a ranch with some fabulous trainers and the ability to work out 24/7 should they so choose.  But it’s not a permanent situation and they, for the most part, leave the ranch with a new approach to how they live their lives.  They are shown healthy alternatives to their favourite snacks.  They are encouraged to MOVE.  Their lives and lifestyles change – they are not dependant on a series of pre-packaged “meals”.

But this isn’t about extolling the virtues if a reality television show.  It’s about why I am pissed at Valeri Bertinelli.  You look great, I’ve already said that, and you do.  Really, you do.  But how will you look in 6 months?  Probably still great, but likely not “posing in a bikini on the cover of a national magazine” great because how could you? unless, of course, you continue on your 1,200 calorie a day regime which is setting such a great example for all the real women and impressionable young girls out there.  Does being thin and bikini ready make you a better person? Because that’s the message that’s being sent.  thin=better, happier, worthier

Here’s the thing – I love food.  I love reading about it, watching about it (bad grammar, I know), talking about it, preparing it, and eating it.  Life would be pretty damn boring if I was restricted to 1,200 calories a day for life.  (also, I would be ridiculously thin and that’s just not such a great look on anyone over 35 – hello, a little fat does wonders for the wrinkles) Food for me is a social activity and one that I am not willing to give up.  The moving thing?  I do that – sometimes more than others but on average I am way more active than apparently 90% of the general population.  I have 2 dogs that require lots of exercise and that translates into 2 45-minute walks a day during the week (including HILLS – I live in the mountains) and a 2 to 3 hour hike on Saturdays and Sundays.  Plus other stuff.  So yeah, I am active.

I also know that I feel better a little “lighter” and I am in a better mood when I am eating healthier and when my favourite clothes fit. But I really don’t need the, admittedly mostly self-inflicted, pressure of having to be bikini-ready or risk being shunned or marginalised.

So Ms. Bertinelli and those of your ilk, I am pissed at you (but you do look great!).