First, I received this email form my lovely assistant:

“I’ve decided to place a formal complaint with you. There is smeared feces on the porcelain… again. Obviously someone was sick, or incapable of efficiently handling the toilet paper and squatting method that comes so naturally to all of us. I’m tired of saying feces out loud as I feel dirty by having to occupy my mind with such “matter”. Anyway…… I’m done. My head hurts. I hate feces. “

Once I stopped laughing, I sent it along to tenant services, with whom I have been having an on-going battle over the conditions of the women’s washroom. Interestingly, the condition of the men’s is just fine (at least that’s what I’ve been told, not having first-hand knowledge):

“I placed a call 20 minutes ago to tenant services in the building and we saw that they sent a cleaner to the 16th floor washroom. There is still mess on the porcelain. I have received the following formal complaint from one of my staff:

“I’ve decided to place a formal complaint with you. There is smeared feces on the porcelain… again. Obviously someone was sick, or incapable of efficiently handling the toilet paper and squatting method that comes so naturally to all of us. I’m tired of saying feces out loud as I feel dirty by having to occupy my mind with such “matter”. Anyway…… I’m done. My head hurts. I hate feces.”

This is completely unacceptable and we would appreciated having our concerns addressed is a quick and satisfactory manner.”

Unless one works in a hospital or with the sanitation department, one should never, ever have to use the word “feces” in the workplace. Come on, admit it, you’re jealous — first my dog gets lice and now I have to deal with this, excuse the really bad and obvious pun, crap.

Funnily enough, though, I am still smiling.